DEATHS
American Constitutional Republic
Age 250. Died January 8, 2026, following prolonged illness.
Services were held in the Senate chamber, attended by 52 mourners who were informed their presence was symbolic and appreciated but not required. The House of Representatives declined to attend. The deceased’s final wishes—a resolution invoking the War Powers Act—were acknowledged and subsequently ignored.
The deceased is survived by its founding documents, which will remain on display in the National Archives; by the Library of Congress, currently being appraised for privatization; and by several commemorative holidays, which are expected to continue as profitable retail opportunities.
Born July 4, 1776, in Philadelphia, the deceased enjoyed a complicated but often inspiring life. In its youth, it showed remarkable promise, expanding voting rights and civil liberties over centuries of difficult growth. In recent decades, it suffered from chronic regulatory capture and advanced constitutional atrophy. Cause of death was determined to be systemic obsolescence—the Operating System simply stopped running the legacy software.
The deceased specifically requested no thoughts and prayers.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you please update your understanding of how your government works.
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BIRTHS
Corporatocracy (nickname: “Genesis”)
Born January 8, 2026, in Caracas, Venezuela, at an undisclosed military facility. Weight: 150+ aircraft. Length: indefinite occupation.
Parents: Military-Industrial Complex (father) and Surveillance Capital (mother). Godparents: Palantir Technologies and major petroleum extraction firms. The infant was delivered via what medical professionals are calling a “law enforcement action,” though witnesses describe it as regime change through overwhelming force.
Early reports indicate the child is healthy and feeding well. Proud parent Donald Trump announced that the baby has already shown remarkable developmental progress, consuming the hollowed-out husks of federal agencies and growing comfortably within the cavity of what were once the people’s institutions.
The baby’s first words were “distressed asset acquisition,” which the family found adorable.
Medical records show the pregnancy was carried to term over several decades, with notable developmental milestones including:
– Citizens United (2010): First movement detected
– Patriot Act (2001): Formation of neural pathways
– Iraq War (2003): Early practice contractions
– Afghanistan privatization (2001-2021): Extended gestation period
– Silicon Valley defense integration (2010s-2020s): Rapid cellular development
Doctors note that while the official birth date is January 8, 2026, the infant had been crowning for some time. Venezuela simply marked the moment the parents stopped pretending they weren’t in labor.
The delivery room was attended by a Senate minority who formally objected to the birth but were informed their consent was not required for the procedure. The House was not present, having determined that witnessing would set an uncomfortable precedent.
The infant is expected to require significant natural resources during its development, particularly rare earth minerals from Greenland and petroleum reserves from South America. Parents report the child has already shown a precocious talent for rebranding hostile acquisitions as “humanitarian interventions” and “law enforcement actions.”
Early childhood education will be provided by private contractors previously employed in managing regime transitions. The family has expressed particular excitement about the child’s innate ability to bypass constitutional limitations through creative classification systems.
Extended family members—including American Citizens (status: uncertain)—have been informed that the child’s needs will take priority over previously existing arrangements. The family asks for understanding during this transitional period and reminds all parties that adaptation to new household management is mandatory, not optional.
Future siblings are reportedly already in development, with projected delivery dates aligned to fiscal quarters rather than democratic election cycles.
The family is registered at the following institutions:
– Palantir Technologies (Surveillance & Data Analytics)
– Lockheed Martin (Security & Enforcement)
– ExxonMobil (Resource Extraction & Management)
– Goldman Sachs (Financial Restructuring)